Like A Virgin

Let’s talk about virginity! 

How old were you when you lost yours? I was 24, which was almost 10 years ago at this point. Looking back on it, 24 seems so young to me, but at the time, I felt like I was the last of the virgins. Many people I knew back then were having sex in high school or had talked about having sex in their late teens. I remember having so many different emotions about being “so old” and not having sex yet, like everyone else. Which thinking back, is completely ridiculous. 

There is no time frame on when to start having sex. Sure, some people start early, but some people also start late too. The cool thing about that is that sex is something unique and personal. It looks different for everyone. It’s silly to treat it as some sort of “one size fits all” or like it has a “best by date” on it. I had books and would read in magazines that there is no one right time, but yet I was *still* worried about being an older virgin. I’m sure I wasn’t the only one that has happened to. Isn’t it wild to look back at younger versions of yourself and just, cringe? 

To be honest, there were a couple of things that I was scared about that did prevent me from having sex earlier. I was super scared about STI’s. Like, I was terrified of getting something incurable and being considered “dirty”. Which, needs to be a whole ass separate post in itself. A person with an STI is not dirty. Someone who got covered in cake batter or dirt, they’re dirty. Someone who has a sexually transmitted infection is not. I understood safe sex and protection methods. I understood what was risky and what wasn’t. But yet, I was still quite afraid. This was the first mental barrier I had. The second one was, you guessed it, my fatness. 

Internalized fatphobia strikes again! I thought I was too fat to have sex. Too fat to get a guy to like me and want to have sex with me. My self-worth and self-confidence was super low when I was in my late teens/ early 20’s. Just because of my fatness, I deemed myself unworthy of pleasure with another person. Let that sink in for a bit. Believing something like that solely based on my physical appearance. I’ve said this before, but internalized fatphobia is wild and just manifests itself in so many different ways. I thought my butt was too big, my thighs were too large but yet thought my boobs weren’t big enough. Just a bunch of nonsense. And yes, I did at one point believe that my weight would break or physically harm another person. Everything was a lie. 

It was a weekend night in April. There was a birthday party at the local gay bar, and afterward, I went to see the guy I was talking to. We weren’t dating or anything, just sorta, talking and seeing each other. He knew I was a virgin but didn’t care. Before this night, there were a few nights of just hanging and some fooling around. Then this night, we kinda knew it was gonna happen. The vibe was right that night. 

He told me I appeared fidgety and nervous. I don’t remember feeling that way, but I do remember him pointing it out to me. We chilled on the couch some, before moving to his bedroom. We agreed on watching Knocked Up, which, looking back was such a weird choice to have on during the first time having sex. It’s not like we watched it, but still. Before he actually put his dick in me, I told him that we were gonna be connected forever. Ok, yes, that sounds corny AF, and very much a conservative way of thinking. But, ten years later, and he’s still in my life, by choice. 

Now for the details, I’m sure y’all are waiting for. It was quick, or at least quicker than I had imagined. It felt nice. I mean, I’ve had sex toys before this, so I knew the general feeling of what it’s like. I didn’t orgasm. I was expecting to because that’s what I had seen in porn, but, we all know that’s a lie. In the end, there was some blood. I was surprised by that because see above. We used protection, fucked, cuddled, then went to sleep. I mean, I’m sure it was a very typical first time. But like, I honestly enjoyed it. 

While physically it was meh, mentally, I loved it. I loved being that close to someone else. The sharing of space, the intimacy, the touching of each other. I enjoyed my body being used for someone else’s pleasure. That in itself gave me pleasure and still does, to this day. The penetration and orgasms are just a bonus. I mean, I can make myself cum better pretty much as good as anyone else and I enjoy it the most, so that part of partnered sex isn’t super important to me. But give me the perfect series of headspace, events, and scenarios, and partnered sex is amazing and nothing can beat it. 

Another reason why I enjoyed my first time so much, it was the first time in my life where I felt small. 24 year old me was a size 28, like a smaller 28, and probably 50-75 pounds less than I am now. And back then, he was like an XL, or maybe just a large, and nicely bulky. Like, stocky and strong. He’s also taller than me by a few inches. So, he was smaller than me, but, way stronger than me. The way sex was so effortless and easy with him, was such a feeling. Can’t describe it, but I’ll never forget it. He made me feel tiny. Also cared for and soft. Even loved too. It was a few months, in, we didn’t love each other then. But, that’s the feeling he gave me. Now that we actually do love each other, that feeling is even better. 

Was my first time movie special? You know, the ooey-gooey, in love, movie magic they talk about? Nope. But was it special for me? Yes. And that’s the thing. It’s different for everyone. My special looks different than your special. Your special looks different than your best friend’s special. It’s unique, just like each and every one of us. So it’s just wild how AFAB folks are all told pretty much the same things. I’m sure that can be a whole post in itself. But yeah. That was my first time. I wouldn’t change a thing about it.