I’m sitting here, watching the wonderful, “I May Destroy You”. I started it a while back, got three episodes in, and stopped. Not because it wasn’t good, but more so I wasn’t in the correct mindset to finish it. I knew what it was about, I knew that it was just gonna get heavier.
I’m finishing it now, as I write this. Well, finishing it as in continuing to watch the season. Low and behold, it did indeed get heavier. Like, caught myself tearing up heavy. Without giving away spoilers, it’s great. It’s just simply great. But it also has me thinking about my past and my younger days, and how I’ve gotten so very lucky.
I don’t remember how old I was, but I want to think I was somewhere between 25 and 27. Sidenote, I must note that I started writing this with one story in mind, but then another situation came to mind. So yeah, many young and dumb moments.
I met this guy off of OKCupid. He was older, we texted and such and he seemed like a decent guy. I don’t know how long we had been talking to each other, but it wasn’t a long amount of time by any means. Maybe a month, maybe? He was cute too. A little shorter than I had liked, but, was a cute ginger boy. I remember him having a dog too. Also, keep in mind that during this time in my life I was going through some shit. Shit as in like, newfound sexual awakening combined with body image issues. Once again, internalized fatphobia runs deep and doesn’t give a f*ck about what’s going in your life. With everything going on, he invited me to his home, and silly me, said sure. Yes, I made sure to tell a couple of people where I was at, his address, name, all that stuff, but still.
Cutting to the chase a little bit, he got drunk, tried to get me drunk, and tried to have sex with me. Now that it’s out there, let me explain things more. I got there, he gave me somewhat of a tour of his house, and we settled into a lounging area, either like a den or his basement. I forgot which one. The longer we talked, the more drinks were consumed. Keeping track of things, not only did I go to a stranger’s house, but I also let him serve me drinks. It was just beer and like, fireball. I was still in my drinking days then, but I was still a bit of a lightweight at times. He got drunk. He had more drinks than me, but I was still pretty tipsy. Probably at some point, I was drunk, but by the time I left, I wasn’t as drunk, but just tipsy. So here I am, intoxicated, in some random guy’s house, and he’s hella drunk.
At some point, I find myself in his bedroom, with him. I then found myself on his bed. There was no penetration of any sort, none of that. But what did happen, he basically dries humped me, and like, finished too. So I guess that’s what, like dry sex? Admittedly it did happen pretty fast and I don’t remember the details of that part that well, but I just remember being humped. I think the reason this wasn’t like super traumatic for me, is how odd and weird I thought this was. I don’t know if the movie Bad Teacher was out yet or not, but there’s a scene where Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz hook up by having dry sex. So it’s was like this mythical thing that I heard of people doing, but didn’t actually believe people actually did it. I was wrong.
After that, I remember going into his kitchen, he offered me some water and we started to make out a little bit. He offered me more drinks, but I was like, I gotta go. There was a bit of resistance there. Enough that I did get a little worried, but like, nothing physical. I know weight and strength don’t go hand in hand, but, I had a good 150 pounds on him, and I’m not a weak person. So if things did get physical, I feel like I would have been able to hold my own, or at least I like to think I could. Thankfully, I have never needed to find out.
I made it out of his house, pretty much unharmed. Well like, physically unharmed. I remember not wanting to go home and I went to a nearby friend’s house, which could be yet another story, but, y’all ain’t gonna hear that one. Yeah, I was a hot ass mess. But yeah, it’s wild to think that I put myself in that position. Sure there are all these hook-up apps now, and people go to strangers’ homes, but, there’s still always a big risk. Especially when drinking is involved and it’s pretty much a stranger. Even more so when you’re a black femme meeting a white guy who apparently likes to drink. Would I ever do anything like this again? Haha, nope. I’m not pressing my luck with things like this again. Especially with the rona, we gotta meet in public, socially distanced first, then testing, THEN we can chill at home. But then there’s also the fact that online dating sucks, cismen are trash(yes, this is MY website, I can say that freely), and I sorta just don’t want to deal with all of that. I’m good.
He still came up in my matches on OKCupid for a while too. Eventually one of us blocked the other. What’s also wild, he worked in like, a medical support position or something like that. Wait, no, he worked with the disabled. But to think tho, I have a few other wild-ass stories like this. I was such a m e s s. I’ve been lucky. To say the least. People make mistakes, they say that’s what makes us human. This was the situation was def a mistake, but I’ve come to terms with that and don’t blame myself for anything. Even if things did happen, it still would have not have been my fault.