Let me tell y’all about one of my little friends. Rather, a former little friend. I wasn’t even thinking about this whole time in my life, but I went to share my blog to my Fetlife and got to reading some of my old writings.
Side note, I’m sorta thinking about adding a section to the blog that showcases some of my Fetlife writings. Reading them years later, they’re a hot mess. Like, I ran across one that was like, “rules for sex with me”. I think I’ve broken every single one at this point.
But, I came across a writing titled, “I told my BFF I loved him”. The way my life has been set up, I didn’t instantly know which person I was talking about until I got to reading it. We’re gonna call him A.
I met A at my job. He would come in, and we’ll chat. I worked at a video store, so it was normal to have regulars. He mentioned making some sweets and gave us a card. Or like an invite to a tasting. I think we had a mutual friend, cause I can’t see myself randomly getting an invite from basically a stranger and end up at a house party of theirs. I don’t think I was that brave. Or maybe I was. I don’t remember exactly how we first started talking, but, I know it involved my job and baked goods.
We hit it off.
It was fun. We got pretty close pretty quickly. We went to the same high school, lived in the same area, liked some of the same things. I would spend weekends with him, he would drag me all around on errands, all across town. The weekly farmers market in the city, the bougie kitchenwares store, the fancy spice store, and even metal shows. But we spent most of the time together in his kitchen.
He was a baker. This is the first time I’m publicly saying this, but, his baked goods were not that great. The only thing that he did wrong was not using real butter. He used fake butter, which has water. Fake butter doesn’t have the fat content like real butter does. I mean, it has water in it. Water can dry things out. His baked goods were just dry. Some were bangers tho. I can still taste his maple bacon specialties. Those were bang. At one point, he even trusted me with some of the baking. I knew things were serious then. I mean, if your love doesn’t include coughing together because neither one of you had enough sense to not put ghost peppers in a spice grinder, then I don’t want it.
Eventually, I caught some feelings. He was my best friend and someone who I loved in more ways than one. He was different but in all the good ways. We shared some moments. I became part of his family. I went to more than a few family dinners with him. He saw sides of me not very many people do. I let my guard down, became vulnerable. I trusted him tho. We trusted each other.
I shared my feelings with him, he didn’t have the same. I started some drama or got involved in some drama or something. I honestly don’t remember the specifics, but I know it involved someone I’m still friends with to this day. So, shit happened, we had a falling out, friendship over. I was heartbroken. I lost a best friend. Someone I loved.
A few years ago, I ran into a mutual friend. I hadn’t seen him for a while before this, but he was still friends with A. He told me that A had feelings for me, but was afraid I’ll leave him. (And it’s at this moment, that I realize I have not fully processed this, still).
Let me repeat that. A, who I had feelings for, who I loved, who knew about said feelings, also had feelings for me but never told me.
Knowing that hurt too. I seriously thought I was over this, cause I’m honestly happy he’s happy at where he’s at. But there’s those, “what ifs”. Apparently, he never told me because he thought I would leave him for someone better. He knew I was poly and that, I guess didn’t mesh well for him. Understandable. Why be with someone when you’re not into a part of that person. But also, what if? What if he did tell me?
I of course don’t know for certain what would of happened. Who knows, but, I have some wild guess of how things might have possibly went. We probably would have been together, maybe married. We probably would have lived somewhere in the burbs. We probably would have tried for kids. I’m a people pleaser, and he really wanted kids. Family dinners every week. Large gatherings with friends. Tons of laughs, and love, and lots of ridiculous. Cleaning the house to a random mix of metal and pop. Couple tattoos. A few pets too. The home life. The wife life.
Typing it out, saying it aloud, I don’t think that’s the life I would have been happy in. Yes, sure I was taking some wild guesses, but still. I couldn’t have settled for just one person, it’s not my style. I would have loved any children we had, maybe even would have enjoyed being a parent, but it wouldn’t have been what I wanted. I’ve never really wanted kids. I wouldn’t have explored my gay side, which is most of me. I probably wouldn’t have started to explore my gender. I probably wouldn’t have been happy. Or he wouldn’t have been really happy. Someone in this pair wouldn’t have been happy, I know that’s for sure.
I’m happy for him tho. He’s married, has kids, is living that family life. I know deep down I couldn’t have given that to him, which makes me glad things ended and he never told me. But I can still feel hurt. When I said I realized I haven’t processed this until now, I meant that shit. Writing this has helped, probably more than I’m gonna give it credit for. It’s funny because I wanted to write about therapy tonight, but here I am, having a therapeutic writing session. I mean, everything works out in the end, right?
Ps.
I accidentally, truly an accident, called him one day after I found out. He then texted the number, asking who it was, because the number looked like “someones he used to know”. I never replied.