If you’ve been reading my posts, you may have gotten some hints that I recently started therapy. It has taken me many years to finally start going. I’ve always been a huge advocate of therapy and getting help for mental health things. Everyone deserves the right to get help and to unpack all the shit they’ve been dragging around.
My ex and I had talked about therapy a few times. There were a couple of times where I told her I was taking things seriously. I knew there were things I needed to work on that were causing some tifts between us. The first time I looked, which was around this time, 2020. I did, I found some cool-looking folks. But, I just couldn’t make it up that step to actually contacting any, but, I had my eye on a couple of folks. Weeks then turn into months, I put it on the back burner and forget about it. The second time was, I think, around the summer of 2021. Same thing. I looked, narrowed it down this time, and the same thing- never actually went through with it. Something clicked, probably after an argument, and I decided to try again.
It was early October of 2021. My first appointment was on the 24th, or whatever that Thursday was. I remember it was a Thursday, but not the date because the next day I was supposed to go on a mini road trip with my ex. We broke up that Monday.
I think this has been a case of pure luck. Maybe I put out some karma and it’s cashing in? The therapist I’m seeing now is someone I had my eye on the very first time I started to look into therapy. And I remember saying to myself that he sounded pretty chill, but looked, as I told my friends, “mean, lol”. Yes, I always said it with a chuckle. Also yes, I was judging folks by their pictures. I can sorta catch vibes from a person by how they look, and I wanted someone with good vibes. Fast forward to the second time, he’s still someone I had my eye on. The third time, he was one of the people I had narrowed down. So I messaged him. I feel like it was at some random hour of the night when I did too. That right there should be some clues into the state of my mental health, lol.
This is probably the paragraph where I should mention that he’s this white guy. Y’all should already know that I’m a black, afab, queer NB femme. I did have a couple of black femme’s on my final list, but, I know myself. First of all, I can open up better with guys. It may have something to do with the fact that I’m non-binary and have never felt like 100% woman. It’s always been like 60/40, in either direction. Now the race thing, once again, I mesh better with white guys than black ones. Which, I’m sure will probably be addressed at some point, cause reasons. But of course, looking at what his specialties were in, and his approach, I had vibes that it’ll be a good fit.
And it has been.
It’s been a full month since I started therapy. Honestly, I sorta love it. It’s like I’m slowly unpacking a bunch of hidden luggage that I just shoved deep down in there. Unpacking feels good. It’s been a month, and there’s still so much more I want to unpack. I don’t know what I really expected going into this, but whatever I did, it wasn’t this, in the best of ways. My therapist has done a great job at making me feel listened to and heard. Like, actually heard. It was from like, day one too. Like, how cool is that?
Ever since I started my sessions, I’ve been posting about it on my timeline. Once a week, on the same day. I don’t really post what was discussed in the session, or how it went, or any real details. I think one week I just said that I cried, and that was it. This is something that my ex and I had a little argument over actually. I said something about how I wanted to be part of the cool kid club, right before I started therapy. The cool kid club, being those getting help for their mental health. She saw it as just me doing it for social media, by calling it the cool kid club. I didn’t see it that way. Those who are vaccinated are part of the cool kid club. People who work from home, in the cool kid club. Anyone who gardens, also in the cool kid club. Y’all get what I’m trying to say? That’s how I use “cool kid club”, people doing cool things, the right thing, the needed thing. I think I also said something along the lines of me being excited to share my quest. We just saw things differently. Even the weekend of the breakup, therapy was brought up again, by me. She also told me that I needed help and therapy a few times. I mean, she wasn’t wrong.
Whatever I do, I do it for me. One of my side projects started because what was out there wasn’t exactly what I wanted, and I only make things I actually use. This blog was started because I wanted a place for fat sex toy reviews, and there wasn’t one. Everything I do, it’s because I want to. Therapy is one of those things. I also wanted to be a better partner and just, have less shit running rampant in my head. I mean, they’re still running, but, many have a compass now. Maybe one day they’ll have a map, then graduate to printed out directions and eventually get a GPS. Going to therapy wasn’t for the gram, or the book, or the tok, but, for me. Myself and I.
I’m still gonna share tho. Sharing is caring. That’s part of why I share so much. I care. Yes, I will tell you and anyone that I hate people and humans. And I do. But, I actually care about the person. If something I’m sharing helps at least one person, it’ll all be worth it. Take this blog for example- my hope for this is to help others have awesome sexy times. Or take the non-profit I’ve been wanting to start for years now. Or any of my other ventures that are based on helping others. My therapist has mentioned twice that I’ll probably make a good counselor. Tbh, he’s probably right, my first major was social work. If sharing about my sessions, telling people I’m in therapy, talking about mental health issues helps at just one person, it’ll all be worth it. Well, that and good mental health.
If you needed a sign to start therapy, This is it. Really. The leap is big and scary, but worth it. Go online and search. You’ll find someone. Be detailed in your search filters. Talk to your friend that shares about their mental health. More than likely they’ll have at least one resource for you. Just do it tho. As corny as this sounds, but if I can do it, pretty much anyone can. Seriously. Sure, it took me a long while, but better late than never. It’s not too late for you either.