Happy PRIDE!!
As I’m writing this, it’s June 3rd, so we’re at the start of PRIDE In case you haven’t read anything else on this site, I’m a gay. I say I’m a gay, because it’s easier than explaining everything that I am.
I was assigned female at birth, but I’m non-binary. I like the word femme for this, because, I just do. Non-Binary Femme would be the proper title for that. With that being said, I am sexually into women, men, and trans people, with trans being the larger umbrella in which various gender identities, or lack thereof, exist. Basically, I’m attracted to who I’m attracted to. I will say, however, that I’m realizing I’m more attracted to gals and femmes, than I am to men these days. Keeping it real, the thought of having sex with a cis man right now, makes me gag. Will it be true in a couple of months, who knows? But that’s the cool thing, just like everything else, it’s fluid.
However, believe it or not, I’m not interested in sex that much. It has to be with the right person, and I have to be in the mood. Having sex isn’t that important to me. I’ve been exploring this for a little while, but, I sometimes tell people I fall on the asexual/demisexual spectrum too.
So, I can either explain all that to people or just say that I’m a gay. I explain it to folks who get it, but those who don’t, get the short but effective version.
I was watching something tonight about coming out and such and realized that I’ve never really had the official coming out speech with my family. It’s like, they knew or something.
I didn’t know I was a gay when I was younger, but as I think about my childhood more, the more I realize that anyone could have taken one look at me, and realized that I’m a gay. I’ve been working a lot with lists for my 9-5, so please enjoy this list of reasons why everyone knew I was a gay before I did.
- I was in drama club in high school. Like, it was my life. I even had crushes on all the gay boys in the club.
- In high school, I was a founding member of our gay-straight alliance. I would forever say that I wasn’t gay, but that I put the A for ally, in LGBTQA. One of my favorite hs English teachers was the teacher advisor and I’m pretty sure even she saw right through me.
- I hate lesbians with a passion. As we all know, we hate the most what we fear of being.
- There was a lot of obsession and jealousy with my close female friends. Looking back at situations has made me realize that in many of the friendships I had issues with, the above was the root cause.
- I didn’t really date much.
- I found a porno mag once, and I was very into the women in it. I held on to that for years.
- Advocating for rainbow rights was a thing I did a lot. I took that “ally” role very, very seriously.
- Totally had a crush on Jodi Foster.
- My mom once said to me that she thought I’ll bring home a woman and not a man.
- My friends have always been queer.
I’m sure there’s more, but those are just some of the things that stand out. So yeah, everyone else knew, except for me.
There were phases too, to all of this. But, know how this society works, it seems to be the normal thing to happen with us gays. Most of us have been taught that being different is bad. That being gay is a sin and it’s the worst thing that you could be. Add on shoving gender norms down our throats and just a complete lack of general acceptance, shit gets hard. There were few resources when I was coming of age, and not seeing anyone quite like me also did a toll. It wasn’t until about age 24 that I really started to explore, pretty much everything about myself. I was bisexual, then pansexual, then back to bisexual, then questioning, then back to pansexual and the last stop was queer. The gender thing happened in my later 20s. I’ve never really felt totally woman, for like, ever. So, I labeled myself as genderfluid but very shortly decided on non-binary femme. On any given day, how I’m feeling is 60/40, in either direction. At 34, I’m pretty confident about who I am, and what labels I decide to use for myself. It feels nice. But, I also know that everything is fluid and how I’m feeling today, may not stay true down the line. And honestly, I’m perfectly fine with that.
I’m sorta happy I never had to actually come out. I don’t know what that conversation would have looked like. Especially if I had to have that before I became a semi-real adult. It’s not like my family isn’t supportive or anything like that. Sure, there *were* the typical jokes and such one can expect from a black family, but there was no hatred. They obviously knew who I was before I did, and I’m still the favorite, lol. But there were never any weird or awkward convos. One day I was talking about a boy I became entangled with, and the next week, I had a whole entire girlfriend. Sure, it didn’t happen like that, but it felt like it. That seamless transition I’ll never take for granted. Plus, I’m sure there were/are other gays in the family. Where there’s one, there’s bound to be another. Actually, there was a gay cousin in my family. Very extended family, but she was an out lesbian. I never got the chance to meet her, but I’m sure even just knowing about her probably would have helped in a small way, growing up.
Every coming-out story is different and unique. This has been mine. No awkward or scary conversations. No shame or hatred from my family and loved ones. I even see them being more and more supportive. I’ll never forget the holiday where an aunt of mine almost got kicked out for saying some transphobic and homophobic trash. She’s my aunt, I love her and understand she is one who is set in her Christian ways, but after that, I just can’t. I’m not going to willingly put myself in another possible situation like that. My friends and chosen family have all supported me, but, most of them are queer too. Some even have helped me on this journey of mine too. One cool thing about being an adult, choosing who you let into your life, who stays, and who goes. The whole sage with the orange one really did help weed out those who weren’t for me. I mean, weeding them out was not worth that orange saga, there are other ways, but, here we are.
PRIDE 2022 is this weekend for my city. It’s been a long couple of years, but it’s back and will probably go hard. I have plans to meet up with my ex. That’s a long story, and I’ll report back to update and see if it actually happens. This year feels different but in a good way. I’m six months out of my first lesbian relationship, I’m ready for summer events and festivals, and I’m finding myself being more gay as the time goes on. I think they call this, living out loud. It feels nice. Scary at times, but nice. However, very scary as of late, but, I have faith in us. There’s really more of us than there is of them, we just need to find a hole to squeeze some power in
If you’re a gay, I love you. There’s nothing wrong with you, and you’re valid, just the way you are. If you’re not an ally, do things to become one. Google is free. Black Trans Lives will always matter. Black queer bodies will forever matter. I will always matter.
Happy PRIDE!
**edit- I did indeed meet up with the ex at PRIDE and I must say, it was pretty good.