I was around 20. He was a coworker. He was nerdy and weird, but cute and funny. I’m sure he wasn’t the first guy who I knew liked me, but, for some reason, he’s one of the first that has always stood out.
He was going through a weird thing with his on-again/off-again girlfriend at the time. I think I wanted actually to start dating, but he was about to move a couple of hours away, and he got back together with said girlfriend. It was fine, I was fine. I made some excuse as to why it wasn’t going to work out anyway, like, he was only my height and I liked tall guys, or some other lame, made-up reason.
But what we had working together was fun. We’ll flirt, I’ll give him some extra food with his order and made sure to wear my tighter pants when we worked together because like most men, he enjoyed my ass. He made me feel good about myself. It felt nice to have the eye of a cute older guy.
We stopped talking right when he went away to college.
Years later, I started to creep on his Facebook. Funny thing about going to a big high school, you get to know a lot of people. Those people stick around, because who ever leaves this city for good? There’s a sort of magic to it. But, someone I went to high school with, I found out by creeping on his posts, was coworkers and friends with my old crush. It took a while for me to friend request him, but I did. Maybe because he was the first boy that I seriously crushed on, or what, but I just couldn’t get him off my mind. It’s not like I’m this way with every guy, as I have guy friends that I’ve forgotten that their dicks have been in me, but the special ones, I remember fondly.
Over the years of being friends again, I’ve tried to hint and even flat-out tell him that I still liked him. The timing has never been right, or one of us wasn’t feeling things, or one of us wanted the other to be FWB’s when they weren’t feeling that, or we just sorta knew things just weren’t going to ever vibe like that. I don’t know, I can only speak for myself, but I’m a pretty good judge of these things.
Meanwhile, he’s always been on my mind. He’s still weird and nerdy, but now with a nice dad bod going on. He has some of the best dad jokes I’ve seen recently, still awkwardly cute, but also this air about him that I’m just attracted to, still.
I recently did something, something that I wanted to do anyway, but, the chances of running into him were one of my determining factors in doing said thing. I got all cute, with all the hopes of seeing him, flirting a little, and naturally, showing off my best assets. Best laid plans, none of that happened.
I really wanted to see him.
It was then that I realized what one of my toxic traits is.
Things ended with the Cat Dad a month ago. Whenever things end with someone I have entangled myself with, I always tend to go back to a person who I’ve always had a thing for. Go back as in find ways to flirt, like a few more of their post, leave comments on status, you know, those sorts of things. I’m sure it’s an unhealthy coping mechanism because many times, this new engagement only lasts for a little while, or until the next person comes along. But, there’s something to be said about the fact that this only happens to like, a couple guy friends.
But maybe, deep down, I really do like him. Even when I was dating others, I still thought about this guy. Those feelings have never really gone away. I don’t know. Am I just scared of really like him? Sometimes when I think about sliding back into his DMs, I always stop because he always has a lot going on, and shit isn’t perfect, so I tell myself that I could never handle that. But I can handle a lot of shit tho, try being a fat black femme, handling shit is what I do best. But do I tell myself that he’s too much, because I just don’t want to do the work to handle someone else’s mess when I’m my own traveling mess?
The thing about relationships, its work. I’ve been in therapy for over a year now, I’ve done a lot of work, hard work, and I’m not even done yet. I understand a lot better that work needs to be done, no matter what, no matter what relationship you’re in. My bestie had this convo with me a few weeks ago, and it really stuck with me. It made sense. I’m still a mess, but, at least now I know the formulas on how to do the work. I may not be ready for the test, but I feel confident enough right now to pass a quiz or two.
I don’t think I can slide back into his DMs anymore tho. I hate when bridges burn, but, I just have this feeling a huge lightning bolt sparked the bridge, and it just went up in flames. Then that’s that quote I’m seeing around that says something like, “sometimes the thing that didn’t work out, ends up working out” or something like that.
I secretly hope he sees this. If he does, I know he’s smart enough to know it’s about him. Plus, I wrote him a little note at the end of this, so there’s that.
To the boy:
If you’re reading this and you’re the guy I’m talking about, I still like you. I don’t think these feelings will go away, it’s been over a decade, and I’m still crushing on you. I know I’m messy and have been a bit toxic, but, you kinda have been too, sir. Hanging out would be fun, being nerdy together sounds fun too. We could talk movies and I could laugh at your dad jokes irl. I know your life is messy right now, and my fat girl summer is about to start, but, I don’t know. These feelings apparently aren’t going to go away, so help me make use of them? Slide back into my DMs if you feel so inclined. Let’s chat, get to know each other again. No pressure.