Stages of a Break-Up
Stage One- Disbelief
The night before he broke up with me I was in the shower, asking myself if it was acceptable to break up with him. I haven’t really shared why, but fuck it, y’all don’t know who this man is. He is a very vanilla person, sexually. I’m not. That was my first concern. The second was 3 months in, and we hadn’t had sex. I won’t say exactly why, but let’s just say there were a couple of different reasons outside of my control. I was in the shower asking myself if I could break up with him because we didn’t mesh in the bedroom. I was going to give it another few more weeks, but, he had other plans.
I was a bit shocked he broke up with me. Especially only a few days before valentines day. Especially when I told him how much I was looking forward to celebrating with him. And over the fact that he did it over a phone call. He legit said he’ll break up with people in person, cause he once got dumped over a text. Weirdly, I could sorta feel this breakup coming, there was a moment when we were in bed and he swiped my hand away from touching him. That was the moment I knew. Still, tho, I was a bit surprised.
Stage Two- Anger
I was angry. I’m sure most people who get dumped are at least a little angry. I thought about blocking him, deleting him as a friend, blocking his messages, all that. This a phase that I hid from most people. I was pissed tho. I’m that person too, that when I get angry, I get petty too. They go hand in hand with me. I don’t know what else to say about this phase, but, it sort of seeped its way into some other phases. I don’t think anger fully goes away until the last few stages. At least not for me, not this time.
Stage Three- Sadness/Mourning
I was indeed a sad bish for a little bit. I had high hopes for this guy. We talked about future plans so much and there were so many things I wanted to do together this summer. He was still decently new to the city, and I was going to show him all the cool things my city had to offer. I had to mourn what could have been, and what was lost. I really wanted to be with him. The whole thing was rom-com worthy. Met online, two days later was crazy enough to late night meet up at a local grocery store. We shared our first kiss that night. I had such high hopes. He was the first conventionally cute guy I’ve ever dated. He wasn’t ashamed of being seen with me, PDA often, almost a perfect gentleman. Things felt a little bit too unbelievable. He checked off so many of my boxes too. So yes, I was sad af. I felt lonely and cried a few times.
Stage Four- Self Blame
I started to blame myself for this break-up. I thought that maybe he actually didn’t find me attractive. But I have photo proof that he’s dated people who look like me. He was into fat folks. He told me that I was cute and I believed him. Hell, many cuddle sessions he got physically turned on. Guys don’t usually get physically turned on by people they don’t wanna fuck.
I then thought that I was too fat for sex. Due to the issues in the bedroom, I started to think that I was the problem. My regular fwb is smaller than he is and has zero issues with getting it in. What sucks tho, I told him before that the last time I felt like I was too fat for sex, I didn’t have sex for almost two years. Then again, he didn’t even want me pleasing him. I love pleasing others and could have been ok with that for a while. There’s also other ways to have sex other than a dick going inside a vagina. I was with a woman for almost two years, fingers get me off more often than a dick does.
He didn’t like my apartment either, because it was too messy and cluttered for him. Spoiler alert, every time I went over after breaking up, his places had trash around, a dirty bathroom, and a sink overflowing with dirty dishes. He made me feel bad about my apartment, which in retrospect was trash.
It took me a while to really stop blaming myself for this breakup. It was not my fault that he dumped me. Sometimes people just aren’t meant to be together, no matter how well they may fit together. I started blaming him instead.
Stage Five- Bargaining
I was telling everyone that I was fine and that he was a good guy and we were going to stay friends. I thought that by taking the friend role, I could slide back in there. The first time we hung out again was about three weeks after the breakup. I wore some tight leggings, no undies, a good bra, and a very low-cut top. I was looking fine af. No dice.
The second time, I brought over dinner, still looking cute, nothing. The third time, I looked even better than the first and second time. I looked so good, he told me how good I looked multiple times that night. Still nothing. Third time’s the charm, and I got the hint. It also helped that by the third time, he had started dating someone else.
This whole time, however, we were still talking almost daily, even just briefly. I really thought I could get back in there. I really thought that I *wanted* to get back in there, but, I really didn’t. This leads us to the next stage.
Stage Six- Acceptance
At the time of this writing, I recently accepted that things were over-over and he has moved on, so it was time that I did too. It’s been about a month since he’s been dating this new woman. She looked at my profile before I looked at hers, so she must have creeped his profile enough to put two and two together. She’s cute enough.
During this stage, I started to see the things that I didn’t care for, or thought was weird. The judging of my place, the slight controlling of how I ate in public, his playing devil’s advocate when I wanted to vent, and him saying he was concerned when I told him I believe in God. That just didn’t sit right with me.
There are some other things too, if I’m being petty. He made shitty coffee. To have worked in coffee making before, his coffee was always too bitter. I lied every time I told him it was good. After we broke up, I also lied to him and told him his new apartment layout was good. It was trash and made no sense while making his large apartment small. He’s a broke bitch. Now, I’m a broke bitch too, but he acted more broke than me, and I know he’s making more. He had a weed problem. Once again, I’m a stoner. But there’s a difference between a stoner and someone who has a legit problem with it.
But one of the biggest reasons why I knew things were not going to work, he wasn’t self-aware. As my therapist agrees, I’ve become a very self-aware person. I knew from the first night that he at least has Autism. I know he has depression and anxiety, which does fall under the neurodivergent umbrella, but he didn’t want to accept it. I may have been the first person to point out the Autism. I had to explain to him why some things are hard for me because of ADHD, and some of it he really didn’t understand. I know too much now to date people who are not self-aware. I put in way too much hard work.
When I did finally accept things were over and never going back, it felt weird but good. I’m ok. We were never going to work out long-term, no matter how much I may have wanted it. He was not the one for me. Sure, I may still creep on his profile every now and then, but that’s just me being nosy. But I’ve accepted the fact that we are never ever, getting back together.
Stage Seven- Rebound Sex
I’m really glad I have a best friend that enjoys fucking me.